THE FOUR PHASES of Divorce: “Crossing the Burning Sands”, was a college event that signalled the end of pledging into a sorority or fraternity. It meant there was light at the end of the tunnel, and you could exhale. I crossed on November 18th, 2020, at 10am. Sorority life? Hardly. This is about exhaling after the dissolution of marriage.
Divorce is an emotional and spiritual necrosis of a relationship that can sometimes result in physical ailments. The process of divorce can last months or years, depending upon the parties involved. I recently ended a 28-year marriage, and the divorce process lasted 22 months. During this time, I witnessed a few friends and acquaintances going through the same emotional journey. If divorce is a pool you’re preparing to jump into, think it through. Stick your big toe in first by doing your research. Prepare yourself for each phase. There are four phases of divorce. I call them “MADA”.
- MOURNING: Once you’ve hit your wall…your breaking point, and realize you need to get out of the marriage to save yourself, it can be an incredibly decisive moment, yet a sad one. All of a sudden, it seems as if everyone is happily married BUT you, and feelings of isolation can settle in. The sadness will hit you when you least expect it, especially if you’ve been married for a long time, or have children with your spouse. The loss you start to “pre-feel” is real and you wonder how it will affect everyone around you.
- ANGER: “WHY COULDN’T HE/SHE JUST_____?” Go ahead—fill in the blank: stop cheating, stop spending, get a job, stop drinking, clean the house, lose weight. How long is your list? This is when the anger kicks in. The mourning/sadness starts to subside, and you’re no longer focused on the two of you – you are now looking at that significant other as just “the other”, who’s not so significant now. In fact, this person is now getting on your last motherfucking nerve, chewing with his mouth open, buying unnecessary shit, breathing outta both nostrils at the same time! Greedy, air-sucking fuck!! I mean, who DOES that? Sound familiar?
Welcome to Phase II of Divorce. Anger is a normal and human emotion that should be acknowledged by its owner, no different from other emotions we allow day-to-day. Now… redirect the anger. Take a boxing class, join a running club, do something to get a bolus of endorphins (feel-good hormones) flowing. You’ll get healthier, and the side effect to that is looking better which, by the way, will serve you well in the divorce ‘afterlife’, also known as ‘dating’, but that’s a whole different subject. Let’s stay focused.
- DENIAL: You and your spouse have discussed divorce and now your spouse wants to point out the good times (as they saw them) or may even finally agree to go to counselling. For some, this is actually a viable option. For others, it’s just another annoying obstacle. The pervasive notion that the marriage is not in danger, and the other will come to his/her senses is what you may see from your spouse or maybe feeling yourself. If your spouse is in denial that divorce is inevitable, just know they’re not in the Twilight Zone, they are in denial. Even couples who basically exist as roommates can be in denial of a failing marriage. More tell-tale signs: Are they avoiding getting served? DENIAL. Are they refusing to seek legal counsel? DENIAL. Are they refusing to acknowledge your feelings? DENIAL. Have THEY decided that your marriage was a great one? DENIAL. Do they constantly tell you all the things they’ve done for you? DENIAL.
Just know that the Denial Phase can and will often revert back to the Anger Phase. Oh yeah, it may get worse before it gets better, and if you ever feel a tinge of “maybe I should work this out”, DO IT. Divorce is not a blanket that covers and fixes all, so if you have doubts, slow down and re-assess. You will know when you’re ready because NO ONE will be able to talk you into staying.
- ACCEPTANCE: This phase comes quietly, like a soft wind. With some, it can take months, and when it does, the whole family benefits as everyone settles into their new roles. As time progresses, husband and wife make peace with the break-up, as they have now had time to mentally process and grieve the death of the marriage. Even if you are the one who filed for divorce, the grieving is real. You grieve ‘what could have been’ for your life.
The grieving is real, but the acceptance is real-ER. Adjusting to life without the other, life without the same house, life without the same habits…it all becomes easier. Children mirror us, and like a reflection, they do as we do – not as we say. With this in mind, remember to show positivity and grace. Speak kindly about your soon-to-be-Ex. Remember, “more is caught than taught” and the children are looking to us to guide them with loving breadcrumbs through this fork in the road.
Hopefully, this has helped you make sense of it all. If you are contemplating “crossing the burning sands”, as you ponder the fate of your marriage, keep in mind these phases won’t last forever. Above all, protect your peace. Everyone deserves and is entitled to happiness.
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