A GUY’S WORST nightmare is when he meets a woman that brings old baggage into a new relationship. I met Sarah. She was previously married to the wrong man. And when she spoke about her previous relationships, a pattern emerged – her insecurity. It ended our relationship – but not our friendship – I knew what she was looking for and we both knew it wasn’t me.
Sarah concentrated so much on being liked that she never took the time to check the other person out. She had no ‘go-slow’ tactics at the beginning of any of her previous relationships – the best time for exploring and assessing the qualities of someone you don’t know that well. Starting slow gives us a chance to think about whether you’re compatible before taking the plunge.
It turned out that Sarah’s self-image was low – she felt that any man who was attracted to her must be clung onto because she had been single for too long. She went for men who seemed competent and confident to make up for her sense of inadequacy and that feeling of not coping on her own. I’m a pretty confident guy, but I felt she was latching on to the very things she thought she lacked. I felt uncomfortable with how over-impressed she was about me.
The reality is that often men like me can’t run their lives very well either, and our outward confidence is a cover-up. Sarah was trying to attract an opposite but choosing someone very similar – and we both end up panicking with each other.
She was like a magnet to me because I picked up on her insecurity, and I was drawn to it. The bottom line is men like me find it difficult to deal with a woman who has enough self-esteem to see through our insecurity. For the first time, I found myself thinking Sarah should hold back before throwing herself at me and take time to look at my reactions and emotions – because I was in touch with my previous relationship patterns.
I’m not a therapist, but I think that when she’s telling herself that a certain man is wonderful, she should ask herself why and try to be honest about whether she is kidding herself. She has to question her feelings more at the start to build a more realistic picture of the man she’s with.
I suggested that she start thinking about and asking for what she wants and be more assertive. Because so far she rewards the bad behaviour of the man she’s with by going along with it. And they’ll continue to act in the same way for as long as they can get away with it. Sarah could practice being more assertive with her next boyfriend – look him in the eye when she talks to him, and bring more of her own character into the situation. I told her that maybe she would find people will like and respond to her more as a person and less like an anonymous assistant. This will give her more self-confidence and support her in getting to the root of her problem, which is the need to value herself more highly.
