WE’VE ALL SIGNED-UP to something – feeling genuinely motivated, driven, fired-up, can’t wait to get started – but after the initial rush simply allow it to fall by the wayside. We come up with excuses, higher priorities, more excuses, until we get so tired of failing that we simply park it and give up.
I confess that I have failed.
I was given a great opportunity to work through the BeSophro course ‘Move Forward with Positivity’. As a yoga teacher, healthcare worker and recent divorcee I thought that I would be able to relate to this, that it would help me start a new chapter in my life, and apply the experience both professionally and personally. I started the course several times, but I simply couldn’t get into it. Ironic, isn’t it?!
Now, the timing might not have been great. Trying to embrace any new commitment while you are working through a divorce that you have initiated at the tender age of 57 is not ideal. I have a track record of similar fails too. I’ve gone through long periods of depression, measured as ‘mild to moderate’ and could never get on with CBT – my CBT Therapist referred me to a MIND Counsellor instead! Another time, I attended an introductory Mindfulness session, fully intending to embark on their 12-week programme, but left the session after crying most of my way through it and with the course facilitator’s summation being; “I’m sorry, the time obviously isn’t right for you to embark on this path”!
So what is it about my mental state that is effectively leading me to sabotage any efforts to improve my mental health? Is it the long-term anti-depressants – that I have also tried and failed to wean myself off.
It was almost a relief to find that ‘Self Sabotage’ is a ‘thing’, and a lot of people do it. It happens when you do certain things that were adaptive in one context but are no longer necessary. In other words, though these behaviours helped to defend you and adapt to a previous situation, like a traumatic childhood or toxic relationship, the same coping methods can cause more problems than they solve when your situation changes.
What it is easy to forget is that actually working through challenges and problems can help you grow and break the chain. When you give up before you’ve hardly even started, you don’t learn how to make different choices in the future.
I am great at being almost too humble for words, talking down my achievements, as well as having a habit of internally talking negatively about my ability to goals or resolutions. The problem is that if you make a habit of vocalising something negative about yourself you end up believing it. Believing your own self-criticisms can promote an attitude of self-defeat and stop you keep you from even wanting to rise to a new challenge.
With the benefit of so much life experience, I know I am better at recognising when I am doing myself such a disservice. For me, talking to friends and mentors are the most important ways in which I can maintain the momentum to continue on a chosen path. We all know that a problem shared is a problem halved – but only if you talk to the right people!
Asking others what they think about your actions takes courage but it is a great way to get to know yourself better. It will help you gain the self-respect and motivation to really work for what you want.
I also know that sometimes self-sabotage is hard to recognise or to stop, because it is so deeply ingrained. If I get to a point of despair I know there is no shame in reaching out for professional support. While I know from experience that counselling is one of the hardest things to go through emotionally – it can uncover many underlying factors that you wouldn’t imagine have a bearing on how you feel. Bringing them to the surface is painful but cathartic.
The great news is that I have found a few ways to deal with whatever my mental state is at any given time, which I guess we all do but just might not be aware of the deeper reasoning behind some of our actions.
I ride my bike – moving meditation works for me.
I teach yoga – I never feel more relaxed than when I am talking my class through the relaxation (Savasana) towards the end of the class.
I exercise – a lot! Some would say too much, and my Osteopath would definitely agree with that!
Strive to be more mindful, stay fit, work on self-discipline, and feel a sense of gratitude for all the positives in your life. In other words, keep things in perspective and learn to live with more self-awareness.
